Bodysnatchers - Doctor Who

[sushigal007.livejournal.com]

Written for the Second Doctor cliche ficathon for uktechgirl, who wanted "Jamie and Zoe bodyswap." So. They do.

The suite fitted into the rest of the hotel’s theme of opulence and complete tack. The Doctor gazed at the gold velvet sofa facing a gold velvet-trimmed television and wrinkled his nose. “It’s slightly over the top, but it seems comfortable enough, I suppose.”

“This is nice,” Zoe said gleefully, throwing herself onto a four poster bed covered in silk. “Why can’t we stay places like this more often?”

“Some of the places we’ve stayed haven’t been too bad,” the Doctor argued. He walked across the room and pushed open another door, revealing another bedroom, and then closed it again. “There was… well, I’m sure…”

“The UNIT base wasnae too bad,” Jamie said helpfully, stroking the velvet television. “A wee bit basic though.”

“Yes. Well. Basic doesn’t cost as much as this,” the Doctor said firmly, beginning to unbutton his coat. “So don’t get used to it.”

Zoe patted the bed regretfully. “Shame. It’s far more comfortable than the floor of a spaceship.” He got up and began to wander around the suite. “Doctor?”

“Yes?”

“What are we going to wear to sleep in?”

The Doctor paused in the middle of hanging his coat up. “Hmm. I hadn’t thought about that. Perhaps I should pop out to some shops and get some pyjamas? There was a boutique next door.”

Jamie stopped stroking the television. “Can y’ get me some shoes? Ones I can walk in?”

“And me some knickers,” Zoe added.

The Doctor raised his eyebrows in Jamie’s direction. “What?” she said defensively.

“Actually, can you get me some clean clothes too?” Zoe asked, raising an arm in order to take an experimental sniff at his armpit. “Yuck. I feel disgusting. I think I’ll have a bath while you’re out.”

“No you won’t!” Jamie exclaimed. “Doctor, tell her!”

“So, shoes, pyjamas and clothes,” the Doctor confirmed, darting for the door. “Behave yourselves now, we don’t want to get thrown out,” he warned before slamming the door shut.

Jamie and Zoe glared at each other for a second. “You are not having a bath with my body,” Jamie said firmly.

Zoe sighed. “Jamie, I’m… or you, are grubby, sweaty and these muscles hurt. I just want a bath. Honest, I’m not going to do anything to you! What would I do anyway, stand in front of the mirror and try penis tricks?” he argued as Jamie continued to glare at him. Actually, he had every intention of doing just that, but what Jamie didn’t know, wouldn’t hurt her.

Jamie’s eyes widened in horror. The thought of Zoe doing anything more than looking and giggling hadn’t occurred to her until that moment. “No!”

“Fine.” Zoe pouted and rolled over. There was a moment of silence. “How about if you watch me then? Oh stop that,” he scolded as Jamie turned purple and choked on her tongue. “There’s nothing rude about it. It’s your body you’d be seeing.”

Jamie swallowed several times. “Aye, but you’d be looking too,” she finally managed to argue.

“So? If you really minded people looking, you’d wear underpants,” Zoe said with a smirk, raising the hem of the kilt slightly.

“Stop that.”

“You can look at my body if you want,” he offered. “I don’t mind. I’ll even find you a little mirror if you like.”

Jamie’s jaw dropped. “What?! No!”

Zoe scowled and rolled over again onto his back. “You’re no fun.”

“This isn’t supposed t’ be fun,” Jamie snapped. She sat down on the gold sofa and switched the television on.

Zoe lay on the bed for a few seconds longer, trying to ignore the sweaty, gritty feeling of his new body. “Sod it,” he muttered and jumped to his feet. He strode across the room and walked into the bathroom, locking the door behind him. Then he walked over to a huge, sunken bathtub and turned on the taps.

There was a loud knocking on the door. “Zoe! Come out of there!”

Zoe ignored Jamie and sat down on the toilet seat to unlace his boots.

The knocking continued. “Zoe, come on. That’s no fair.”

“When exactly was the last time you had a bath? You stink,” Zoe called out, pulling a sock off.

“I bathe plenty!” Jamie shouted, insulted. “Now come out!”

Zoe grinned and pulled the grey polo-neck over his head. “No.”

“Then let me in!”

The kilt was a pain to undo. Zoe turned around in a slow circle, trying to work out how to undo it. “Do you promise to behave?” he asked, spinning round the opposite way. “Because I’m bigger than you now. And I can suffocate you with my armpits.”

“I’ll behave if you will,” Jamie said sulkily.

The door opened and Zoe stood there, wearing a kilt and a smirk. “Great. Now, how do you undo this thing?”

“Thought you were supposed t’ be a genius?” Jamie grumbled. She reached out and expertly undid the belt. “There.”

Without thinking, Zoe immediately looked down at himself. “Oooooh. Wow. Um. Gosh.”

“Zoe…”

“Sorry.” He snapped his head back up quickly. A moment later, his gaze lowered again. “Goodness. Is it supposed to look like that? It’s really rather grotesque.” He wiggled his hips from side to side and watched his penis swing with fascination. “They look different in the books on the Wheel. Then again, that could be because someone went and drew little moustaches on them…”

Jamie glared at him. “Zoe!”

“Sorry, sorry.” Zoe blushed and sat down in the bath to stop himself from looking anymore. He turned off the taps and lay back with a happy sigh. “Oh… that is so much better.”

Jamie balanced herself on the edge of the bathtub and looked curiously at the water. “Why are the bubbles purple?”

“Dunno. They just are,” Zoe replied lazily. “Are you really going to sit and watch me bathe?”

“Aye. I dinnae trust ye’.”

“Well instead of just sitting there, why don’t you have a bath too?” Zoe suggested. “I know my body hasn’t had a bath in at least two days and you have been sitting in a prison cell all afternoon.”

Jamie looked curiously at him. “That’s no’ very proper, a lass and a laddie bathing together.”

“Things are hardly proper now,” Zoe pointed out.

She considered it for a moment. Admittedly, she did feel a bit grubby… but still, it wouldn’t be right. Even though Zoe was making himself right at home in his body. “No, that’s all right. I’m fine.”

There was a knock at the door and the two jumped violently. “Only me,” the Doctor called cheerily. “Are you both all right in there?”

“We’re fine,” Zoe shouted back.

“We’re no’ doing anything… improper,” Jamie added. She hopped to her feet, handed Zoe a bathrobe and opened the door.

“Shoes,” the Doctor said by way of greeting, handing over a plastic bag. “And a nightgown. And I brought one of those fancy robes the women are all dressed in, I thought it might stop people staring. It was the plainest one I could find, I didn’t think you’d want anything pink and frilly,” he continued as Jamie pulled the long, red garment out of the bag and gazed suspiciously at it.

“I was thinking I’d wear my kilt if Zoe’s no’ going to.” She pulled out the box of shoes and opened it to find a plain pair of black plimsolls. “Ah, these are a mite more sensible than these silly things,” she said in approval.

“They’re not silly, you just don’t know how to walk in them, that’s all,” Zoe said, wandering out of the bathroom to join them. “Did you get me some clothes too?”

“You’ve got a nice set of robes as well,” the Doctor said, handing another bag over. “There wasn’t really a lot of choice.”

“That’s all right, it’ll be Jamie who ends up wearing them,” Zoe said cheerfully. He pulled a cotton nightgown out of the bag and disappeared back into the bathroom, reappearing a moment later dressing in the gown. “I’m going to bed now, good night.”

“I guess I’ll get changed too,” Jamie muttered. She went into the bathroom and the Doctor dove for the bed. He intended to be — or at least pretend to be — unconscious by the time his companions realised there were only two beds in the suite.